collide inside

woke up in the middle of the night and found myself sobbing.
i kinda made my own plan to break up with him but apparently its pretty painful for me... 

are we gonna end up this way?
i wasn't so sure either... but i guess we just can't hope evrything turns out to be like i want (expect) it.
sometimes things went wrong but that's okay.
i already had a perfect life, for some people. living a life for me just a matter of feelin grateful evrytime.
count your blessings.
take the bad things out or indeed make the bad things into something good.
it's like a vaccine to my lovelife imunne system.
finally i made it to write down an e-mail for him, told him i need time to tink it thru.
it hasn't come to the part that i'd like to tell him about i want this become a more stable relationship or nothing at all.
i just don't need another regular nice guy as a penpal.
i need someone to love me, to share a lifetime, and he needs to be close to me (just like i need him to)
and i'd like to make it as simple as i can.
what have i hold on to all this time?
what have we share together?
we're livin in totally diffrent world and have i been expecting too much of him?
right now i'd like to be realistic with the situation and clean up the messy i've started. . . . .